It takes balls. Massive balls.

In my last post for 2011, I mentioned how my intention for 2012 was essentially threefold: 1) to go with the flow of my life; 2) to make my universal spirituality the backbone of my life; 3) to let my lifelong quest for higher consciousness be my compass in life. Let me be clear about what I am talking about here: when I say spirituality, I am not talking about beliefs. I am talking about a way of being in the world – a way that sees the interconnections of everything, rather than division, and a way of being that is present, loving, and evolving.  I have NO religion or dogma. But I do practice spirituality.

There is a reason why spiritual practice is called spiritual practice’. Because that is, I have discovered, what it takes to overcome a lifetime of unconscious, reactionary behaviour. A lifetime of self-harm through physical self-abuse/neglect, bad relationships, and disconnection from the natural world. A lifetime of suppressing who you are to fit into an environment with skewed priorities and values, to fit in with people who don’t respect who you really are anyway. A lifetime of out of control negative self-talk and constant mind chatter, of being bombarded and overwhelmed by messages from everywhere that more often than not DID NOT align with what I have found to be true for myself.

I have also discovered that moving from that old dysfunctional existence to a freer, more focused life takes massive balls. “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”, wrote E.E Cummings. In 2012, I am growing a pair… so to speak. At the end of last year I made some serious decisions for myself, and this year I am honouring those decisions by focusing my attention on the things that will raise my consciousness, free myself and affect my world in an enlightening way. To get really good at anything requires focus. I think that the same can be said of being spiritual. To move forward and grow, strangely, you need to pay attention to the present, and pour your energy into that activity which will enable you to achieve your goal.

So, these are some of the things I am focusing on practicing in 2012, having identified the problems they are addressing as serious impediments to my growth, mental health and wellbeing:

  • Practicing staying present and flowing with whatever is happening.
  • Practicing taking care of my body, and loving it unconditionally, pain and scars and all.
  • Practicing acting with integrity with my own values, and saying no, peacefully, to people who would encourage me to betray those values, to betray myself.
  • Continuing to abstain from a relationship until I am totally comfortable and settled in my own life.
  • Turning away from relationships that stimulate negative parts of my own or the other person’s character (if those relationship dynamics cannot be changed).

That last one is perhaps the hardest one to practice. But sometimes love requires sacrifice. And you can’t truly say that you love someone if you bring out the worst in them, know this, but continue the unhealthy connection anyway. Sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go. For everyone’s sake. If you don’t, you aren’t putting the welfare of the other first – and that is not love. To me, love is acting in the highest interest of both yourself and others. And I could not live with myself acting from any other place. Not anymore. Besides – I know we all deserve better.

If 2011 was the year I woke up, 2012 is the year I will put into practice, quietly and simply, the things I realised last year. E.E Cummings was right when he wrote growing up and becoming who you really are takes courage. Aligning yourself with higher consciousness – in every aspect of your life – can feel like embarking on a journey into the unknown – a journey that will potentially take you away from everyone and everything familiar. I have learnt that as you make those changes, some people leave your life, for good. Others decide to take the journey with you, which is pretty fantastic!!! But other new people will flow into your life too, who match where you are at, what you’re about. So you make new connections that are healthier, and some old connections become healthier. If you can keep this in mind, you’ll be less freaked out about all the things in your life that necessarily need to pass away, in order for Enlightenment to be born.

Be brave. The best is yet to come.


I’ve made a few cosmetic changes to the blog! Check it out.

A new tagline and ‘green’ makeover for 2012 🙂 I’ll upload a new Gravatar photo soon. Here’s to the new!


7 Comments on “It takes balls. Massive balls.”

  1. Hayley Cafarella says:

    Brilliantly written, Pauline, I can relate so much to this! It takes a lot of guts and determination to actually alter how we see and interact with the world. I am wishing you much luck in your enlightening journey! xx

  2. Grace Vanilau says:

    Sis, this is a great piece of work. And you’ve brought up things that I have also been struggling with – great to be reminded of it, so that I can put things into action. Sending you unconditional love, strength and support. Alofaaga tele atu Grace and munchkins.

  3. lisahilli says:


    You scribe so well what my thoughts are thinking. Thank You. Truly inspiring and motivating, 2011 was a big year of healing for me and I can relate to so much of what you wrote, particularly the hardest one of all about love. I was stuck in a relationship that I knew wasn’t working and however unhealthy that was for me I still mourned it, why? Letting go was the best thing I ever did.

    Personally I think that vagina’s are tougher than balls, they take more of a beating.

    Here’s to womanhood!


  4. […] Just the Messenger. Striving for the Middle Way. HomeAbout the MessengerAbout this BlogPhilosophy Twitter RSS Feed ← It takes balls. Massive balls. […]

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