Words can hinder, words can heal

Can I quickly thank the peeps who messaged/called me after my last post (you know who you are:-)). Genuinely surprised/embarrassed (I forget people who know me might actually visit me here from time to time, even if I don’t post to facebook, evidently), so THANK YOU for checking in and sorry you stopped by in the middle of a dark night/morning. No need for concern. I write personal posts from time to time primarily for myself – its like having a little word with myself (clearly, that makes sense). The post was really about appreciating the people I too frequently take for granted and don’t prioritise in my life – my family – who have seen me battle something that has been periodically doing me in for over a decade (despite my stubborn refusal to ask for or accept help sometimes). I’ve been thinking a lot about familial obligations recently. When the chips are down, things are illuminated. You are reminded of who really cares for you, what really matters. Similarly, disability can have the same illuminating effect – you often see people’s true selves shine through in how they treat you.

My experiences with depression have convinced me that it is one of the worst afflictions a person can have – worse that physical illness (naturally, this is only an opinion based on my own experience of being afflicted, and having physical illness, and acquiring and living with a disability, and watching people I care about – losing people I care about – in the battle with the mental monsters). In my experience, you can still have a high level of quality of life, a normal life, with a physical illness or a disability. In between depressive episodes, when I’m myself, life is great, and I approach it with the gusto of a naughty five year old (which is, incidentally, my mental age). The problem is, evil twin’s visits eliminate any positive gains or efforts. When the sickness is in your head, your thoughts, permeating or nullifying your experience of life itself, quality of life is made void. It is an illness, not a choice. Please remember that if you ever feel tempted to judge a person for “being blue” or “being an emo”. You have no idea what’s going on inside their heads.

Fairing much better this week – actually I’m having a lovely week. Have switched off all media (just for this week), shut down my fb for the holidays, have been treating my computer like it is radioactive/covered in syphilis, have been meditating (bliss…takes me home), exercising, and comfort eating, have received medical “help”, finished a film, revelled in the realisation that I’m on holidays, frozen my lower phalanges off, but still… holidays! The aforementioned “help” will take time to produce real results. I eagerly await them. Consistency will be the way back to… myself (and sweet silence in my head). It’s amazing how well typing words onto the internet works in terms of extreme, backed-up stress relief. Words have mystical powers sometimes.  It never ceases to amaze me the physical relief I feel after writing. That’s some good shit right there.

Anyway. Back on track, mind body and spirit.

Posting the posts I had intended to post last weekend this weekend:-)

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About Pauline Vetuna

paulinevetuna.wordpress.com

Posted on June 15, 2011, in Personal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I love your words, P.

    Their brutal honesty conveys immense strength and normalises a lot of the mixed feelings/thoughts many of us have from time to time… And thank you for the stark reminder that we should keep ourselves in check whenever we feel frustrated/baffled/disappointed, etc with another person. It’s so true that we actually have NO IDEA what’s going on in their heads. And sometimes WE become that person – and ultimately, would expect the same patience and understanding.

    Glad you’re having a lovely week 🙂 xo

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