Table for One: Single, and proud of it.Posted: November 1, 2010
“Yes, but I’m single. And despite what you may assume, this is actually a choice.”
Myself, to a drunk douchebag who asked me, “Do disabled people ever date?”
So I’ve got to get something off my chest.
Recently I’ve had discussions with various friends about my status as a single woman and am tired of having to defend myself, and of their “pity” (god… is there anything worse?!). I remember a girl friend accused me of being afraid of intimacy when I killed off a budding relationship with a lovely man I met, rather romantically, on a train (post – spinal cord injury), and had only been seeing for a short period of time because it didn’t feel right. But there is a method to my madness.
Being single to me is not – and will not – be a life sentence. It is a WISE choice that I am making for Myself, and, importantly, for the BEST VERSION of Myself.
It is a decision I came to after serious, sober reflection about the choices I made prior to my injury in all areas of my life – including my dating life. Quite frankly, those choices were fucked. I was magnetically drawn to brooding, intense, complicated and closed types… who had no idea how to be in relationships in a healthy way. And neither did I. I happen to believe that you attract what you are, in many ways… and if this is true, then I was one dysfunctional basketcase.
A few months ago I had a visitation from a ghost of boyfriend’s past. It was rather unpleasant for a variety of reasons, but, namely, the fact that ours was a severely retarded relationship that wounded both of us. So you can imagine my horror when the gentlemen in question showed up a little too close to home (literally). It triggered a wave of crazy in my head that I have thankfully worked through (and, indeed, needed to… funny that). I got to exorcise some demons and really, finally, let go of resentment I had unconsciously been storing deep below the surface. Which will only benefit me in my next relationship, when I choose to enter into it.
So here’s my point: In order to be in a GREAT relationship, you need to have a GREAT relationship with yourself.
And my relationship with myself is a work in progress.
So I choose to be single. I choose to be single until I am what I want (keeping that “you attract what you are” rule in mind). I choose to be single until I get rid of my unconscious baggage, and tie up all loose ends. I choose to be single until I have forged a truly strong, independent, self-sufficient life and career for myself.
Because these three things I know:
1) This is the only way I will fulfill my life’s work and give myself the security I crave (see previous post Dharma & You);
2) This is how I will free myself from past dysfunctional patterns and avoid any codependent nonsense; and
3) This is the only way to find someone truly right for me.
So, I will continue striving towards my own independent life and highest vision for myself. And this focus has its own rich rewards… namely the gift of SELF-AWARENESS.
And the gift of self-awareness brings another gift: knowing, finally, what I want and need in a partner.
Self-awareness has made me realize I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me, and helps me grow. I want to be with someone who “gets” me, my sensitivity, who I have a mental & emotional rapport with, who accepts the way that I am and encourages me to be an individual. I want to be with someone who I can laugh with. I want to be with someone who doesn’t care about convention and will make the rules up with me as we go along. I want to be with someone who respects me, my family, my background, and my values. I want to be with someone who respects what I do and honours my dreams. I want to be with someone faithful, who isn’t afraid of commitment, or intimacy. I want to be with someone with strength, substance and character. I want to be with someone who gives me freedom and space to pursue my interests.
And I will happily repay them in kind.
You see, friends? There is a method to my madness, after all.
See also: Love, Let Go… and love again