Table for One: Single, and proud of it.

“Yes, but I’m single. And despite what you may assume, this is actually a choice.”

Myself, to a drunk douchebag who asked me, “Do disabled people ever date?”


So I’ve got to get something off my chest.

Recently I’ve had discussions with various friends about my status as a single woman and am tired of having to defend myself, and of their “pity” (god… is there anything worse?!). I remember a girl friend accused me of being afraid of intimacy when I killed off a budding relationship with a lovely man I met, rather romantically, on a train (post – spinal cord injury), and had only been seeing for a short period of time because it didn’t feel right. But there is a method to my madness.

Being single to me is not – and will not – be a life sentence. It is a WISE choice that I am making for Myself, and, importantly, for the BEST VERSION of Myself.

It is a decision I came to after serious, sober reflection about the choices I made prior to my injury in all areas of my life – including my dating life. Quite frankly, those choices were fucked. I was magnetically drawn to brooding, intense, complicated and closed types… who had no idea how to be in relationships in a healthy way. And neither did I. I happen to believe that you attract what you are, in many ways… and if this is true, then I was one dysfunctional basketcase.

A few months ago I had a visitation from a ghost of boyfriend’s past. It was rather unpleasant for a variety of reasons, but, namely, the fact that ours was a severely retarded relationship that wounded both of us. So you can imagine my horror when the gentlemen in question showed up a little too close to home (literally). It triggered a wave of crazy in my head that I have thankfully worked through (and, indeed, needed to… funny that).  I got to exorcise some demons and really, finally, let go of resentment I had unconsciously been storing deep below the surface.  Which will only benefit me in my next relationship, when I choose to enter into it.

So here’s my point: In order to be in a GREAT relationship, you need to have a GREAT relationship with yourself.

And my relationship with myself is a work in progress.

So I choose to be single. I choose to be single until I am what I want (keeping that “you attract what you are” rule in mind). I choose to be single until I get rid of my unconscious baggage, and tie up all loose ends. I choose to be single until I have forged a truly strong, independent, self-sufficient life and career for myself.

Because these three things I know:

1) This is the only way I will fulfill my life’s work and give myself the security I crave (see previous post Dharma & You);

2) This is how I will free myself from past dysfunctional patterns and avoid any codependent nonsense; and

3) This is the only way to find someone truly right for me.

So, I will continue striving towards my own independent life and highest vision for myself. And this focus has its own rich rewards… namely the gift of SELF-AWARENESS.

And the gift of self-awareness brings another gift: knowing, finally, what I want and need in a partner.

Self-awareness has made me realize I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me, and helps me grow. I want to be with someone who “gets” me, my sensitivity, who I have a mental & emotional rapport with, who accepts the way that I am and encourages me to be an individual. I want to be with someone who I can laugh with. I want to be with someone who doesn’t care about convention and will make the rules up with me as we go along. I want to be with someone who respects me, my family, my background, and my values. I want to be with someone who respects what I do and honours my dreams. I want to be with someone faithful, who isn’t afraid of commitment, or intimacy. I want to be with someone with strength, substance and character. I want to be with someone who gives me freedom and space to pursue my interests.

And I will happily repay them in kind.

You see, friends? There is a method to my madness, after all.


See also: Love, Let Go… and love again


About Pauline Vetuna

Posted on November 1, 2010, in Character, Freedom, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. You have thought this through so well 🙂
    I am happy being single, but when someone comes into their life and I fall for them, things feel complex for me. I hate it.
    Gosh you are a brilliant writer.

    • Thanks Carly 🙂
      I have EXCELLENT boundaries… but when someone breaches your defenses… ugh, complexity. I hate it too!
      I guess all you can do is keep calm, give yourself the care YOU DESERVE and carry on 🙂

  2. Sista, you are SUCH a wonderful writer… How utterly refreshing to not purely read – but FEEL – your words… Never stop doing what you’re doing. It’s too beautiful to not share with the masses. Thank you for walking around in my head and heart and magically capturing the complexities of my oft-overwhelmed mind… Love your work, vavi xox

  1. Pingback: Beyond attachment, after fear… REAL love. « Just the Messenger.

  2. Pingback: ‘Beyond attachment, after fear… REAL love.’ | Just the Messenger.

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